Humor

Farmers Brown and McDonald were sitting on Farmer McDonald's porch discussing plowing technique when Farmer Brown notices a pig with a wooden leg hobbling across the front yard. He turned to his friend and asks, "Say, Henry, how'd that pig get him a wooden leg?"

"Well, John, that pig...," his eyes mist up, "That pig's a mighty special pig! A few weeks back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods. That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and fought him off. Saved my life!"

"And the boar tore up his leg?" "No, just got a few scratches, nothing serious. But that night the barn caught fire. That ol' pig started squealin' like he was stuck, woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"

"So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Henry?" "No, John, the next day my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond. I got knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out."

"...but that's not how he hurt his leg." "Oh no, no, he was fine. Cleaned him up real nice, too."

"Okay, Henry. So just tell me. How did he lose his leg?"

"Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig that good, you don't want to eat all at once."

At the edge of his fields, a farmer has an irrigation pond that is surrounded by a small apple orchard. Every day, he takes a bucket to the orchard, gathers all the apples that have fallen from the trees, then takes them back for his pigs.

One day, when the farmer was almost to the orchard, he hears laughter and splashing coming from the pond. When he arrives, he sees two naked ladies swimming in the water. He just stands there and stares. Before long, the ladies see him and, shocked by his presence, they hide themselves in the water.

The farmer, knowing the show is over, says, "You ladies are trespassing on my property and I'd like you to leave right now."

"We are very sorry," one of the ladies says. "We just saw the water and thought a swim would be refreshing. We will go but we are naked and we aren't coming out until you leave."

"Well alright then." The farmer sets the bucket down then adds, "But when you come out, can you throw this bucket of food into the water for the alligators?"

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

Q. How many pot head's does it take to screw in a lightbulb

A. 100 1 to hold the light bulb and 99 to smoke till the room starte's spinning

S&P just downgraded Google+ to Google-.

Wanted to plant a butterfly garden this year but couldn't find anyone that sold butterfly seeds.

Every year - same old story. I make the cookies for the church bake sale. They get excommunicated...

chasrich wrote: Every year - same old story. I make the cookies for the church bake sale. They get excommunicated...

Are those the cookies from the dark side?

Stealthy Ninja wrote:

Nikonjan wrote:

Stealthy Ninja wrote:

Nikonjan wrote: THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips, in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade . . ."

So you're saying Native Americans have broken English and encourage human slave trading? I don't find that funny at all.

By the way Ninja, I could be offended by the wife and women jokes, but I'm not, it's in fun, that's why it's called humor.

You should be offended. Woman's rights is no joking manner. End women's suffrage I say!

Woman’s suffrage was about voting and running for office, course that makes us suffer that ding-dong from Alaska.
As for rights. If every human showed the respect they themselves want for themselves, the evening news would be only 10 minutes long..