A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value s.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told swooning reporters from ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and MSNBC they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Sure hope the airport security "person" gets an award. Kept another teacher from trying to escape.
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value s.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told swooning reporters from ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and MSNBC they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Sure hope the airport security "person" gets an award. Kept another teacher from trying to escape.
A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?
He says, Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.
She says, It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it! As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
Oh, that sounds like a Master Card, he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally toots.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, That'll be $34.50 please.
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?
He replies, Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.
She paid it and left without saying a word.
__________________
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value s.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told swooning reporters from ABC, CBS, NBC, CNN and MSNBC they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Sure hope the airport security "person" gets an award. Kept another teacher from trying to escape.
photobod wrote: When asked by the police how many times she hit Tiger, Elin replied "I'm not sure, put me down for a 5"
I think Tiger needs a new driver, his current shaft keeps getting him in trouble!
I read that the PGA are now investigating Tiger for having too many "woodies" in his bag!
Tiger and Elin will get back together because she is already hitting on him.
After scoring a couple of beautiful birdies earlier on, Tiger finds himself in serious trouble at the last hole, coming home.
Did Elin use a "rescue club" to extract him from the Escalade?
Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty - if the cops would have arrived a minute later he'd have lost the other one as well.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.
Tiger's tip for wayward golfers: never ask your wife to keep track of your balls.
I always knew Woods was a better putter than driver.
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 300 yards.
If Elin really did whack Tiger a couple of times with a golf club, it would have been in line with the rules of golf: there's a 2-stroke penalty for playing the wrong hole.
Hey Adidas, this is Tiger, Nike found your number in my phone. I need you to change your name...
Good thing Esso wasn't still running their "Tiger in You Tank" commercials.
A study has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected on this subject....
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