Photographers are a different kind of creature. We are both artists and entrepreneurs – or at least we try to be. We love our cameras and we sure love playing with them - sometimes too much. After a long series of technical and advisory articles, I thought I’d give you a little humor break, with a list of reasons why you shouldn’t date a photographer.
Before we get started, I just want to point out that although you may actually relate to some of the items on this list, everything below is intended to make you laugh or at least bring a knowing smile to your face. At the end of the day, everybody loves photographers, otherwise why would everyone be so intent on being one?. Without further ado, here are 41 things you should consider before agreeing to a date with a photography addict.
1. They’re weird.
Photographers are artists. That should be self-explanatory. When you find yourself sitting across the restaurant table from someone looking deep into your eyes, don't be fooled – your date is only considering the most favorable angle for this shot.
2. The birthday presents will surprise you.
Most often it will be a really awkward photo of yourself, captured some time ago when you weren’t looking. Then again, it just might be that “fine art” print that he or she just can't seem to find a buyer for.
3. Their favorite days are not yours.
Most people revel in a bright, sunny day. Photographers enjoy foggy, gloomy mornings that would make most people sad. They also like rain, snow and especially lightning.
4. They’re hoarders.
Photographers collect piles of newspapers, magazines, and generally anything they find inspiring, even for a short while.
5. They will break the law.
Photographers are either too involved in looking at what they want to shoot to notice boundaries, or simply don't think they apply to someone who's “just trying to get a few pictures”. You never know where you might end up.
6. Your vacation luggage will look like you’re moving
Every self-respecting photographer requires an absolute minimum of 50 pounds of gear for a day trip. A real vacation may require a special shipment that will meet you at your destination.
7. Watching movies together will not be as expected
That nice, romantic evening on the couch you expected will be constantly interrupted by comments about the choice of colors or framing in a scene. If you give up the remote, the points will be reviewed. Need I mention how much fun this will be at the theater?
8. They mark their territory.
Photographers make sure everything is branded as theirs, especially their photos. You will rarely see a photographer’s portfolio that’s not full of watermarks.
9. Everyone else sucks.
Photographers have egos the size of Mt Everest. Therefore, nobody else’s work can be as good as theirs, and, at best, it can only come close.
10. Envy takes on new form.
There's a syndrome among photograperhs known as "ens envy". Yes, it resembles that other kind of envy that occurs among human males, but this afflicts female photographers, too. It's psycholgically unbearable when someone else's is bigger.
11. You might not measure up.
You might be an interesting person with interesting friends, but photographers spend time with models, stylists, designers and other really cool people.
12. Their movie choices are different than yours.
Old, artsy movies that no one understands are their favorites. The truth is, they don't understand them either, they just like the pictures.
13. "Vintage" is something you'll grow very tired of.
Film cameras, darkrooms, vignetted portraits, grainy black and white, Old West photo shoots, barber shop quartet costumes - photographers love living in the past. Some have been known to dress the part, too.
14. They are control freaks.
They're used to telling people what to do. "Lift your chin a bit." "Watch the birdie." "No, the coffee cup goes there and the spoon should be resting on the saucer."
15. They don’t care about your opinions.
Oh sure, they'll ask you what you think of the latest shots. Then they'll tell you why you're wrong.
16. Communication will be awkward at best.
They probably won't return your phone calls or Facebook messages. They don't have time to actually read your email messages. They "say it with pictures". You can be sure that if you check their Instagram account, it will be active on a daily basis.
17. They're far too honest.
"...and don't you worry, we'll Photoshop out those chunky thighs."
18. They can spend days in front of a computer.
Nope, they're not interested in Facebook or porn. Those last landscape photos still need a few tweaks, though, and there are those new Photoshop plugins to check out, and...
19. Romantic sunsets will never be the same.
You're thinking about how dreamlike and magical the moment is. He or she is thinking, “1/25 @ f/8 @ ISO 100."
20. They won’t spend any serious money on you.
Yes, you're fun to be with. You're worth every bit of the cost of dinner and a movie. Those $100 shoes you love so much, however, aren't as important as that $3,000 lens. After all, it's an investment.
21. Meals together will be quite different.
Two words: "foodie" shots.
22. Conversations about what they do will be stressful.
Photographes hate answering questions about camera gear and the like. The first time one of your friends asks for advice on a camera "that takes good pictures, but isn't really professional-level" will probably be the last.
23. Holding hands will be pretty rare.
It's simple: photographers are too busy holding their gear.
24. You'll probably never see the good photos they take of you.
If you're nervous about those random photos he or she took on that last date, don't be. They're on a stock photography site, so you'll never see them. Everyone else will, but you won't.
25. They don’t know when to run for cover.
Hurricanes, tornadoes, tsumanis, forest flres and such aren't disasters to a photographer; they're photo opportunities. While everyone else is running away, he or she is figuring out how to get closer.
26. Anniversaries will be missed.
If there's a confilct between the anniversary of your first date and a photo workshop, guess which one is going to be more important. Your romantic dinner can wait.
27. Their priorities are different.
In case of an accident or perilous situation, a potographer thinks about protecting the equipment before him/herself - or you.
28. They stare at people in public.
When you catch your date staring at someone else, don't worry. It has nothing to do with physical attraction; it's all about the potential photograph. Of course, that doesn't make it any less awkward or embarrasing.
29. They find beauty in the weirdest places.
That includes dirty alleys, poverty-stricken neighborhoods and just about any other location you'd probably prefer to avoid.
30. You’ll have a hard time proving that you were together on vacation
You'll almost never get a photographer in front of the camera.
31. They won’t photograph what you ask them to.
Don't think that dating a photographer will help you get the photos you want. It's going to have to be something that's worthy of him or her taking the time to shoot it. Unless, of course, there's a paycheck involved.
32. They’ll remind everyone of what it is they do.
Although it's not okay for someone else to ask them about what they do, they're more than happy to jump into the conversation with a "killer" story about a place or person they shot. Normal conversations will be a thing of the past.
33. Gifts for them will be expensive.
Before you ask a photographer what they want for a birthday, Christmas, etc. be sure you're prepared for the answer. If it's under $500 they probably already have it or it isn't good enough to suit their hobby or professional needs.
34. They won’t Photoshop your old photos.
Sure, those old family photos of yours would look great with some retouching and cleanup. Your new love interest is just the person to do that for you, right? Not likely. Editing another person's work is not the job of a photographer. (Yes, it's an ego thing.)
35. They won’t like most of your friends.
Artsy people will have to be more famous than them or they're not worth spending time with. People that don't understand art? Well, we just won't go there.
36. They'll never print anything for you.
Although he or she will always be needing more storage space for images, don't expect to see any personal photos printed. Prints are for sale or for contests. Anything else just sits on the hard drive, "to deal with later."
37. An accidental bump could end the relationship.
The average contents of a photographer’s bag cost anywhere between $1500 and, well - a lot. You'll need to be careful and keep your distance when the camera gear is around, which will be all the time. That distance in itself isn't a great way to build a relationship, either.
38. You’ll turn into a model, whether you like it or not.
Sure, posing for a few fun shots may seem fun in the beginning, but don't be fooled into thinking it will get old for her or him. In fact, the more attractive your photographer date finds you, the more likely every walk in the park or night on the town will turn into a model shoot.
39. They’re a pain at family events.
Let’s say someone in your family is getting married and you decide to bring your date. Most of their attention will probably be going to the photographer hired to shoot the wedding. It will be a mix of criticism of everything the hired pro does and a secret envy that he or she didn’t get to do it, even after refusing in the first place.
40. Nothing natural is good enough.
Every photo he or she takes must be be tweaked with Photoshop or Lightroom in order to fix everything that Nature "didn't get quite right". This obsession will creep into every aspect of your time together. Rather than appreciating the beauty of the surroundings, he or she will be thinking about how it could be improved upon.
41. That intense look at you won't mean what you think it does.
Like the surroundings in the item above, you'll likely need a little enhancement, too. So, while you think that look is romantic, it's probably an intense study of how those tiny imperfections on your face could be corrected.